i want you to take over control ...

I haven't posted in months and to be completely honest, it's because I got lazy. I couldn't be bothered to log on and think about something to write. There was so much going on in my head and nothing I felt like I could articulate.

Today is the first day of my second semester final exams. I have archaeology today and I'll be surprised if I pass. Actually, the only thing I'm sort of confident about is Art History. My motivation has just gone for working hard because right now, I hate what I'm doing.

I thought and though about what I wanted to do next year, tried to figure out if property was the best way for me given that my math skills aren't really up to university standard, and other such things. And finally, I decided on teaching. I hopefully start my teaching degree in February specialising in Primary education, depending on if I get in- on academic grounds, I don't see that being a problem, given that I got into the most competitive degree program at university, but my personal expression might not be a strong as some of the other people applying.

I'm feeling a little bit trapped these days. I want to get out and do things and enjoy my life and all I seem to do is sit around being demotivated by how far behind I'm falling at university, how many assignments I have to do and how much studying I need to get done, but realistically won't.

I need a break.

The city is burning, the tide is turning ...

So I'm almost perpetually exhausted these days. I'm working 4 days a week, at university 5 days a week and I rarely get a day just for myself. It's starting to make me sick too, I've been getting more migraines and general sickiness and ick.

But anyway, I'm onto my second semester at University now, so that's pretty exciting. Archaeology, Art History, Philosophy and Politics are my classes this semester. Not all that different from last time but, as you may have noticed- no Law classes. I've finally decided to drop my Law degree and pick up a Property degree at the beginning of next year. I'm pretty excited about that. It's more what I think I'll want to do after University, but the first year is mainly Math and Economics and Business-type classes, so I'm a little worried I won't do so well on that. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, I guess.

Another thing I notice. Now that I'm getting paid, I actually have less money than I did before. I'm spending so much money without even realising it- I really need to get a handle on that. All quick sharp-like.

Anyway, I have stuff to do. Book chapters to review, lunch to eat and work to go to.


Will you still hold me when you see what I have done? Will you still kiss me the same?  ♥

maybe it's time your pacific coast eyes come back home ...

So, this is my first post in about a month.

In that time, I've moved away from home and gotten a job. I'm actually really excited. At first, it felt like moving out was a huge mistake, that's everything was so difficult and over-whelming. But now, I'm actually really happy about it. I start work in two days, my first four shifts are just training shifts but after that I'm on to the real work ;D

My final exam for semester one is on Saturday, so I'm real excited for that to be done and over with. After that, I'm free from university til the 18th of July. A break will be really nice with the stress over the past few weeks.

I've moved around my second semester now too, so I'm planning on taking, art history, anthropology, politics and philosophy. I'm dropping my law degree and starting a Property / Arts conjoint in 2012. It feels kind of like a waste of a year, but I suppose it can't really be helped.

tears of snow-white sorrow ...

Why is it that everything is so confusing?

You think you've figured out what you want to do with your life, and then it all goes to hell. It calls for a change of plan but you know fuck all about what to change, or what to change it to.

You think you've figured out how you feel about everything and then it all changes and you realise you're in way deeper than you ever imagined you would be.


Say your goodbyes, pacific coast eyes ... ♥



P.S.  May the Fourth be with you. ;3 

i can't dream without you ...

when you close your eyes and go to sleep tonight,
i'll be right outside your door,
dreams will come and they'll take you away,
let them bring you back to me

and tomorrow when you wake i'll be next to you,
the protection from the day,
when the tears fall down your face like morning dew,
i'll be there to put a smile on your face,
and i'll say

i don't wanna live this life without you,
i don't wanna spend the night without you,
i don't wanna know what it's like,
i can't dream without you.
i can't dream without you.

let your fire burn bright for the world to see,
you are the better part of me
when you hold my hand i swear that i believe,
i'm living in my wildest dreams

and i see

i don't wanna live this life without you,
i don't wanna spend the night without you,
i don't wanna know what it's like,
i can't dream without you.
i can't dream without you.

flowers for your hair,
rainbows for your eyes to see,
your dreams are everywhere,
to carry you away from me,
away from me someday,
away from me someday

i don't wanna live this life without you,
i don't wanna spend the night without you,
i don't wanna know what it's like,
i can't dream without you.

i don't wanna live this life without you,
i don't wanna spend the night without you,
i don't wanna know what it's like,
i can't dream without you.


♥

please come back where you belong ...

Well, today was the first treatment of my tattoo removal. It hurt like a mother fucker. I'm dreading going back in 6 weeks time. And I am officially broke. I just spent all of my money on 8-for-the-price-of-6 tattoo removal treatments, a new pair of boots, a lovely top that was 50% off on sale and a gorgeous fitted blazer- it has the most divine lining. In any case, I have no money.  

The stupid dressing on my tattoo right now is driving my insane because it's stuck to my hair (because the tattoo is on the back of my neck) and I really want to take it off ... but I can't.

I've also got about 10 mosquito bites from waiting outside my house the other day for over an hour when I forgot my keys. One of which has turned into a lovely raised patch of bumps and itchy.   Yuck.

Did I mention, fml?

and you'll never find it if you're looking for it ...

So the stress migraines are back. So far I've only missed out on a week but I can see it becoming a problem.

I've just finished writing a Philosophy essay which is due tomorrow. So that's a huge relief but I'm so awake that even though I have zero energy, I can't sleep. My mind is focused on everything I have to do tomorrow and ugh. Which reminds me- I got a new Philosophy lecturer today. He's so much better than the lady I had before. He's interesting and his lectures are quite fast-paced which is good for me otherwise I lose concentration. Score.

On the upside, my kitten is lying in the most adorable way ever right now. She's half under my bed with her back legs sticking out- curled into a ball with her head upside down. Purring away in her sleep. It's quite adorable.

My other cat is starting to look old and worn around the face now, which is worrying me because I would be absolutely crushed if anything happened to him. I love him and he's my baby and he can't get old >.<  Plzkthnx. Nor can Maxx. He's starting to get all .. moody and old and quiet. He used to act like such a puppy, it's a bit of a worry.

Too many things are changing at once. >.<

Too much stress.

just back up before i snap ...

So, university is tougher than I expected. I'm finding it difficult to keep up with the reading load that goes with my courses. I knew there would be a lot of reading, but I didn't realise how much spare time I wouldn't have. It keeps piling up on me. I just get caught back up and a whole lot more comes crashing down. I've resorted to finding summaries for the well-known texts to read first to try and make sure that even if I don't get the entire article finished, I know what it's about.

I really need to manage my time better ... or get a time turner. That would help a lot. It's seeming lately like there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done and have a decent night's sleep. It seems like to get good grades, I'm either going to have to sacrifice my social life completely or never sleep again. I'm not quite sure which option is less appealling, to be honest.

I'm thinking about enrolling in first year courses again next year if my marks aren't as good as they should be. At least that way, I'll know that I know what I'm in for and I'll probably be able to manage better. But that seems like such a waste of a year. I'm so confused! If I don't get into second year law, I really have no clue what I want to do and that is really worrying me.

And to be quite honest, my law course is boring me to death. The lectures I enjoy are few and far between and because of the late lecture time, I find I can't concentrate properly in there; which cannot be a good sign for my final mark. It sort of makes me question if I'm even doing the right course if it's boring me to death the way it is. I'm just really hoping it picks up soon- otherwise I'm in trouble.

Looks like I'm having no social life. I like sleep too much to give it up. How exciting the next few years are going to be: lectures, tutorials, essays, study, reading, sleep. Lather, rinse and repeat. Fml.

chasing the ghost of a good thing ...

For every letter studylink sends, an angel dies.

Shame on you, studylink.



On the upside, my student loan came through and my payments start on March 24, which is super awesome! The only thing left is to get a job and catch up on my reading.

i wish you were here tonight with me ...

So as the second week of University draws to a close, I'm asking myself why the hell I'm doing this. The reading load is insane to keep up with. I had 113 pages to read for tomorrow. How the frogmint is that reasonable?  I already have my first assignment and it's so different to high school even just in how to source and what you use for the essay content.

I'm really digging the freedom of University, but I'm going to have to really motivate myself to go to class every day and stuff. The 1 hour + travel time either way makes me doubt the helpfullness of actually attending classes. =.=

I'm not quite comfortable with where all of my classes are yet, but I'm sure I'll get there in a couple of weeks time. I've had every single class and tutorial for this semester, except my law tutorial which is the week after next on Tuesday. Sort of apprehensive, but I'm sure it'll be just fine.

I really need a job. For serious. I have no money and no way of making any money without prostituting myself- which I expect a lot of people would frown upon, that and it's just out of the question- unless I go into debt ... I might start considering it then. Perhaps. At a push. xD

I suppose being a woman of the night may possibly have its benefits. I wonder if I'll get a dental plan ...

and i'm drowning you out ...

So, university started on Monday. Thursday is my only free day this week and as of next week, I will have no free days at all. Bummer.

I'm taking four papers this semester: law, philosophy, politics and biological anthropology. Anthropology is going to be interesting, I think. But it will be pretty sciencey. More so than I expected, I think. But, it should be awesome all the same. My lecturer seems okay, she doesn't stand out but she seems pretty okay- though she doesn't make a lecture outline available at all, which is a pain.

My law lecturer is really nice. She doesn't talk too pretentiously for beginners to understand, which is awesome and she has cool powerpoints ;3 

My philosophy lecturer is a bit .. well, she sticks almost exactly to the lecture notes in our coursebook, so it's just her reading from the page really. That doesn't really work for me, but hopefully it will pick up soon.

Politics is pretty awesome. I know a bunch of people in there from MAGS, so that's cool. My lecturer seems pretty awesome. We didn't really get into learning stuff in the first lecture, but she seems like she explains things pretty thoroughly, which is cool. She seems the most approachable out of all of my lecturers ... and she kind of looks like Prof. Trelawney xD

I could have admittedly made a better job of my timetable this semester. I have too many gaps between lectures which is a real pain. But I suppose when I start getting assignments and stuff, I can use that time to work on them in the library or something, rather than trying to do it at home and getting distracted. Which I would.

All things considered, my first week has been pretty awesome so far. One day left to go and I haven't gotten lost yet, which is an achievement for me.

darkest day ...

The earthquake in Christchurch today has really shaken me. My heart goes out to anyone and everyone that has been affected by this horrific disaster. The death toll stands at 65 right now, I hope that those who have and those that will be killed can rest in peace.

warm me up and breathe me ...

So, I spent a few hours cleaning out my wardrobe today. Actually, I'm still not finished really. I've got piles of folded clothes all over the living room floor because it's just too hot to sit upstairs.

It looks like I'm giving away just about half of what was in my wardrobe. Hopefully someone else can get some wear out if because I certainly haven't been. So, when I drop off my stuff at the Salvation Army or wherever, I'll probably buy some cute vintage statement pieces. If they have anything good.

I'm slowly thinning out, building up and organising my wardrobe for university- which can't be anything but good.

lips like morphine ...

i want to feel a kiss just crush me and break me down. knock me out. cause i've waited for all my life. laughing somewhere far beyond buds and berries. and i find myself in wonderland. do you feel her running through your veins. she will always lie forever. and i swear to you on everything i am, and i dedicate to you all that i have, and i promise you that i'll stand right by your side, forever and always until the day i die. don't think we don't see your scars. are you afraid of who you are. imagination baby can take you far, don't be afraid to come off slightly bizarre. turn into something, oh put on something black. sexy say yeah. call me over just like i am too much. get ready to leave. running through the monsoon. rette mich. because the dj got us falling in love again. who took the bomp. and i find myself in solitude. are you hanging by a thread or swinging from the rope. this life starts with a heartbeat and it's a beat, beat, beat, beat beating me down. with rough hands and sore eyes. i am home but just for tonight. we are, we are. the youth of the nation. break my fall. show your colours.

and it really doesn't matter ..

if we don't eat and it really doesnt matter if we never sleep. no, it really doesn't matter, really doesn't matter at all. 'cause we are so young now.

we are so young.  ♥

drowning me in my dreams ...

I suppose I should probably take back my hatred of today as a "holiday". Today wasn't terrible. Well, that's an understatement. Today was actually rather awesome for me. I loved it.

I'm not sure I'm quite convinced though.

we don't waste no precious time ...

And so the countdown begins to my least favourite day of the year. Four more days. Ugh. I hate valentine's day with a vengeance. It only seems to serve as a reminder to all of the single people of the world, that they are exactly that; single. Then, for everyone that isn't single- it adds a ridiculous amount of pressure to make the day special.

It just seems sort of redundant to me. But then again, I'm not exactly an optimist.

I guess we'll see what happens.

we don't sleep when the sun goes down ...

So, it seems that this blog is destined to go the way every other journal/blog has gone for me so far. It's getting slowly forgotten about. But I refuse to let it go that way. That simply will not do.

So, what has happened since January 14th?  Well, a lot of the same. ACP wasn't as awesome as I thought it would be- through no fault of the ACP organisers, just the weather was abismal and I was running low on sleep. So, I slept on the grass in Auckland domain for a while.  Did I mention that the grass was wet? >.<

On the way to the movies from ACP, we got into a car accident. Luckily, nobody was seriously hurt, just a few cuts and bruises. But it certainly lowered the tone of the day some more. However, nothing that hanging out in the food court with friends can't fix. Four letter words and "Destroy This Journal" make for fun times.

I found out that I got into law at AU. So, I'm super excited. I can't wait for university to just start already. I've already gotten my ID card and my textbooks, all that's left to do is pay my fees.

But then again, I'm starting to freak out a bit now: starting uni and not being a child anymore. It's all a bit daunting. Though, I'm almost sure I can handle it.

Only time will tell, I suppose.

Parachute weekend was actually awesome. Aside from some trouble with our tent, it was awesome. Skillet were even better than I imagined live. I can't wait to see them again, and I'm starting the count down again for Parachute 2012. One of the best weekends I've had so far.

This summer is awesome. ♥

Lost in the arms of destiny ...

So, I may have the sweetest boyfriend in the entire world.

It's quite amazing how different people can turn out to be in comparison to your first impression of them.

I must learn not to judge so quickly.

I want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world ...

So, I'm finding that going without sleep for too long really screws with my immune system. This is twice in two weeks that I've skipped a nights sleep almost completely and I've been really sick the day after. What the hell is up with that?

I also seem to be taking a bit of a shine to religion again. Maybe this year I'll actually sort of stick to being kosher. But ... my love of bacon may just kill me. I'm giving up so much this year.  //sob

Who wants to give up bacon and fizzy with me this year?  Anyone?

Just run with me through rows of speeding cars ...

So after a couple of days without my laptop and internet, it's safe to say that I have a new appreciation for my laptop and it's internet capabilities. I came back to facebook with a ridiculous amount of notifications, back to blogspot with a million and one new blog entries to read and back to an empty laptop with an obscene amount of software to reinstall.

So, after the 3 or 4 hours that it took me to put everything back onto my laptop that I needed, I find myself incredibly hungry and bored. Entertainment can easily be found in the form of a bunch of anime I haven't watched since Armageddon, a couple of movies I'm supposed to return in a day or two and my room to clean ... or something (not so much entertainment as compulsory if i want to live). 

Hunger however, is not such an easy task, since the kitchen is currently off limits AGAIN due to renovation crap. //sigh.      It really doesn't make any sense to me to cover the kitchen in sheets to paint, then walk off and do something else; leaving the kitchen saying, "don't touch anything, I'll be back in two minutes."  Four hours later, "Okay, I'm going to start painting now."          Except that the kitchen will now be non-functional all day. We will all starve and it will all be my fault for not making dinner except ... there's nowhere to make it.

So hopefully I  can get something to eat and retreat back into my room to watch some anime and gleefully await the virtual arrival of my top three. <3

And this addiction is killing me ...

So this ... no carbonated stuff thing ... it's killing me. It's only the 3rd and I feel like a heroin addict on withdrawl. The really irritating thing is,  my mother bought a 2.5L bottle of coke and it's in the fridge.  Nobody else drinks it, so it's a temptation that will never go away, since I'm not allowed to throw it away.

So, temptation. It's there. It's killing me. I might cave. Effff.

Oh yeah! And ...

I had the best new years ever. That is all.

And it really makes me wonder ...

So, it seems like every year I make a new years resolution that I never keep. Most of the time, they weren't really of any benefit to me, just things that I could think of at the time. This year however, I have thought of something that is both benificial to me and a challenge. In fact, a huge challenge.

I've decided to give up all carbonated drinks this year ... for the entire year. Yup, you heard right. The pepsi addict is giving up carbonated drinks. This will kill me.

But I've found that after I started drinking fizzy stuff again (especially coke) I feel sick all of the time.  So, my reasoning:  if I give up fizzy drinks, I can avoid the constant sickly feeling I have. And I suspect it will do my energy levels wonders too. So .. yay!!

On the other hand, anyone who knows me, knows how addicted I am to pepsi and coke. I drink a couple of glasses of it a day, at least. This is going to be really difficult. BUT, I've done it before and I can do it again.

Motivation, I has it.